I put it off. The girls needed a haircut. But getting everyone out of the house, making sure I took a shower before doing so, it all seemed... so strenuous. So I put it off. The next day I scrounged up the energy to get everyone in the car, and as I drove down the street a feeling of heavy dread just washed over me. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to stay at home. So badly. And that scared me a little bit. The desire to turn the car around was oddly intense.
I'm not that person, that homebody. I used to flourish outside my home! I needed to feel a part of the world! (even if that world mostly involved the grocery store and Target) We were always on the go- I always had a list of things I wanted accomplished, a list of errands. But now I'm just exhausted, and it feels like I'm giving up. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything.
This feeling hit me again as we left to go to my Mom's house. I didn't want to leave my house. And now the crazy person in my head- the one who spends too much time on webmd- is convinced I'm coming down with agoraphobia. Even now, I know we are going to need more formula (and soon!) but I just don't want to think about leaving... about getting everything in order to leave. Even if the husband got home early and I could go sans kids- I would still want to snuggle up in bed with 'my stories' sitting there in the DVR.
I'm just so tired. I think more than normal. But really, have I even been close to a normal scale... ever? I really hope it's just stress, or I'm just in a temporary funk. (because really, how can I even think there's a problem. I just had a baby, I just had surgery, I just have had a crazy year) But that won't stop me from worrying about the state of things! Oh, no! I am a worrier! That's what I do. If I have nothing to worry about- I am not alive!
(a second re-read of this post- and I'm sounding a little crazy to myself. That can't be good. And this is certainly something I shouldn't post on the silly internet. But the little cursor is over the "publish post" button all on its own. It's a sign. Post!)
sounds like post-partum to me. i did this on a much more major freak out scale with jonni. it wasn't really leaving the house for me, it was what would happen when i did. how would i feed the baby, what would i feed the baby, what if the baby burped up on me, what if she burped up on herself, what could i change her/myself into, and on and on, and it was just too overwhelming to even THINK about leaving the place where i had complete control over my environment. and tired....! you just don't want to even think, let alone do anything! yeah, if it gets any worse, seek chemical help, i'm not kidding. you don't know how bad you are until you feel so. much. better! don't talk yourself into thinking you're a failure or any of that crap if you end up having to take drugs to get better. sometimes you just need to shake your hormones out of a downward spiral with a little chemical help. and don't forget the trinity cure for depression/post-partum: diet, exercise and sunlight!! they help immensely, but you might need the happy pills to start feelin' it. hugs for you, babe!
ReplyDeleteoh, and i forgot to say, you don't have to be on them forever, either. i was on them for nine months or a year after jonni was born. i mean, i didn't start taking them until she was over nine months old, and by that point i was so sunk in anxiety and depression it was horrible, but what i meant was i took them for that long after i started taking them.....i'm rambling. you get the point? good. i always knew you were smart. ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are abnormal at all but you are talking to someone who never leaves the house. Except for church, I haven't left the house all week. I mean I will go for walks or bike rides around the neighborhood with the kids but to go to a store just to go to a store, no way!(once a month is good). There is just so many important things for a young mother to do at home to teach her children so they can grow. Maybe I am nuts.
ReplyDeleteRemember that YOU did just have surgery, a baby, and potty training/trained toddlers. That is pretty much a working world flipped upside down. There is nothing wrong with just slowing things down for a while to keep every one happy and healthy until you feel your schedule works. Plus it will give you time to just relish those babies before they are wisked away into the busy world.
Tara