Open Letter #184

Dear Senor Cesar Milan, aka: "The Dog Whisperer,"

I have two dogs. They are both driving me crazy. I was hoping that your show on Animal Planet would help me with this conundrum. The disobedience and sheer attitude is appalling. I was, however, disappointed with your answer. To every canine related problem, your solution was "walk them!" for hours and hours on end! I can see how an utterly exhausted dog that can only lay around the house in a puddle would also no longer be a "problem dog." But still, I doubt your methods. I doubt them very much.

But I have reached my limit, sir. The one time we have company over for dinner, my freshly potty trained daughter poops in her froggy potty and my most disgruntled dog EATS IT. RIGHT OUT OF THE POTTY. IN FRONT OF GUESTS. Yes. I heard that collective gasp all the way over here. (and to clarify, our guests were not watching the kids poop, they just saw a naked hiney running through the house screaming "Scotty eat my poo!")

The very next day, I leashed up the hooligans and took them for an exhaustive run/walk. Didn't even phase Peaches. I think it got her even MORE amped up. She was twirling around this house on her little toothpick legs like a reefer on speed. (sorry, my drug references may be a bit dated/completely incoherent)

Today I did the same thing. By the end of the walk, both dogs were lagging a bit behind. And lo and behold- they are both sorry sacks of fur strewn about any pillow or blanket they can claim as their own. I'm even sitting here watching the sad scene- nothing phases them. Not even the baby. It's weird.

So to you, Senor Milan, I had better see some results with this walking business! Because if not, I am sending Mr. Scotty to your house so he can pee on all your possessions. I'd love to see how you handle Peaches' deep rooted fear of TV remotes and rain.