Dear Homebuilders

Dear Homebuilders,

• I know "open floorplans" are desirable right now. But honestly- my entire downstairs is one big greatroom, and there are no support pillars. It just seems to me there should be pillars, at least that's what common sense is telling me. Is that why the entire upstairs creaks like a hundred year old house? Just askin'- I am seriously doubting there is architectural magic that can defy gravity. And sometimes when I'm sitting on my couch, I wonder if the master bedroom will just collapse on top of me. So... that's a good feeling.

• You clearly need to become aware that there are quite a few families (or customers, we can call them) just like me that would like a FOUR BEDROOM house. Four. Three is not enough.

• One big thing: Every bathroom needs a window. An operable window, one that opens and closes. If you've ever had to potty train children, you would know why. Please go and design accordingly.

• Is it too much to ask you to seal the grout before you hand over the keys? We all have lofty ambitions to do this exact undertaking. (Everyone on my block has admitted to this- one even has two huge jugs of sealer laying around in their garage gathering dust) Nobody can ever get around to this. It's impossible.

• Why is my yard 10 feet deep? You are well aware that you shouldn't put irrigation closer than 3 feet from the side of the house or the cinder block wall. (it's apparently in the HOA regulations) That gives me a four foot strip of potential planting area in the whole of my backyard? Really? 

• I was a little skeptical when you threw up my home in two and a half months. It went from a dirt lot to a real house in that short amount of time. Every time I hear the wind whip through the valley, I hope our house doesn't just blow away. At least stretch it out and pretend you are building my home with care and diligence! 

• I'd like you to know that the master bedroom door and the twin's room door close themselves. I have to prop them open. This seems... wrong. 

• I've replaced three of the four bath faucets in this house. Before the three year anniversary of moving in. Again... wrong. (really glad my Daddy knows how to replace faucets. I've watched him do it all three times, and when the fourth starts leaking, I will still be clueless about how to even begin replacing it)

• The carpet you installed? It sheds more than my dogs. (and boy howdy do those dogs shed! I haven't worn a hair-free black outfit in YEARS) I believe carpet fuzz is the culprit behind the untimely death of two vacuums. CSI is getting back to me on confirming this theory.

• It is unbearably warm in the rear side of the house, and incredibly cold in all the front bedrooms and hall. It's noticeable; the change in temperature as you walk down the hall. I'm thinking this is your fault as well. Who do you have designing these homes?! Monkeys? 

• I can see my neighbor's kitchen from the large window above my tub. I'm pretty sure the view from their kitchen into my bathroom is... unappetizing for them. Shouldn't someone have thought about that? 

• I watch the shows Holmes on Homes and  Holmes Inspection avidly. I know what you are up to. And it makes me seethe with rage. (and a little hot and bothered under the skirt- how HOT is that Holmes guy?! Fixin' drywall... and tiling bathrooms... swoon) 

• So in conclusion, homebuilders. I would like to add: you suck.