Five Years

I read Stepper's five year post and I just loved the idea. Not to mention her lovely writing style. It got my brain matter moving with introspection, reflection, all sorts of deep and moving thoughts. I just had to follow suit:

(by the way, I love the page breaks... what about you?)



Five years ago:

The Husband and I were on the cusp of celebrating our 3rd anniversary. (this April will be year 8- gasp!) We were in a house that was entirely too big for us. A nice four bedroom place for just the two of us plus our two loving and adorable dogs. How entirely ridiculous.

I was a recent college graduate, and had landed a job that didn't pay all that much, and ended up being work I really didn't enjoy, but surrounded with people I did like. I was in charge of the midwestern portion of our clientele, and that meant I had to be up early! A bonus was I got to go home early, as all the businesses were closed by late afternoon due to the 3 hour time difference. The endless repetition of spending my days at a job I detested was vaguely depressing at times.

I remember thinking that we were kind of stalled out as a little family. We'd hit a plateau. Up to this point we'd been working hard at various part time jobs, while juggling school, and moving up little by little from tiny ghetto apartment, to cozy apartment in a great neighborhood, to the four bedroom "starter home." The Husband was starting off what would turn out to be his career in a rocky fashion, almost getting fired, learning the ropes the hard way, and he was still going to school, though mostly just online. I wasn't sure where that road was taking him, quite a daunting thought.

It was a bit of a rough patch. Uncertain where we were going, and then there was the ever present BABIES! dilemma. We were constantly barraged with questions of "when are you going to start having kids?" I thought this was highly uncomfortable, and I really didn't know if I was "ready" for all that business. Our lives didn't seem serious enough to add kids into the mix. I had just got my first job out of college, our future was still so up in the air... and... newish. I still considered us newlyweds. Three years was hardly a firm foundation of a marriage to me. I did want to eventually getting around to a family. A couple well behaved children, spaced out 4-5 years, perfectly managed and neat. I could see that, just not so fast.

Now:

I am working extremely hard at a job I don't particularly care for, but with people I absolutely adore. I have mixed feelings about being a mother. I unequivocally love my little ones, but I don't exactly feel like I fit into the role of "homemaker." It's hard to explain, but being the one taking care of every aspect of our home life, cooking, (which I'm terrible at) cleaning, (a neat freak that hates to clean) and the everyday discipline, entertaining, care and maintenance of these three babies is rough. I would have never forseen myself having multiples, being able to deal with two babies at one time, I never thought I could do these things at all. I'm overwhelmed most days, I do find moments of joy in my work when the kids give me a warm and tender hug. However, most of the time I feel like ripping out my hair in frustration or flat out crying in a corner. (somehow I manage to get through the day!) I believe this stems from the lack of personal time I allow myself- I have vowed to do something about this... eventually. When life, you know, calms down.

The Husband is well established in his job, surprisingly enough in this economy, it seems to be stable. A complete blessing I am thankful for each day.

We're at a very odd point in our lives right now. Veering from our projected path; I thought I saw ourselves living in this house- our home for a... length of time. I did not expect the walls to close in on us so quickly after having a third child. What seemed like the perfect house for us (the version of us that had 8 mo. old twins) has turned into an entirely different beast. Again, our life has become to a certain degree, uncharted. I don't know how long it will take for our home to sell, I don't know where we'll end up when it does.

This is terribly stressful, kind of scary, but a little bit exhilarating. I must admit I was having a certain freak out about how final things had become before the decision was made to uproot and sell the house. I graduated, check. I got married, check. We bought a house, check. We had kids, check. Those were the major milestones for me, and they were accomplished. Finito! I was done having babies, this is our complete family, so... where did we go from here? Were there no more little boxes on my list? Was everything set in stone and all I had to do now was get older... maybe start sitting in a rocking chair knitting for the rest of time? (This all sounds terribly silly now)

No more stagnant water here! So much change, so little time, it seems.


Five years from now:

We'll probably be in vastly different circumstances. (does life really change that dramatically every five years?) The Husband will either be doing something similar, or moving up within the company. The kids will all be in school. My life will be so inconceivably different- it blows my mind! Not having these three hanging off of me 24/7 will be an adjustment, for sure! I hope to have figured out the balance between kids, husband, and my own self-fulfillment by then. If not- I'll be in the nut house indefinitely.

Hopefully we'll have found another "perfect for us" home. I don't know what it will look like, my needs and wants will most likely change between now and the time we're on the hunt to buy, I don't know where it will be, not to mention the market will be a completely new landscape by that time.

However it comes, there will be a new path. With new and exciting things to look forward to. I'm ready to see where the next five years takes our little family. I see so much more in myself now than from five years ago, and I hope to see exponentially more in my future self.

... aaaand the kids have dumped out the bead bin, a terrible sound on its own, but now they're throwing the tiny, choke-able beads down the stairs. Heaven help me. And good day to you!